A common phrase I hear about being an empty nester is: this is the phase of life to ‘reinvent yourself’.
It’s the time to start new hobbies, travel the world, throw yourself into something new, dust off that bucket list, that sort of thing. It makes being an empty nester sound exciting, simple and easy.
It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, it’s the destination.
But is it?
I think it all depends.
Let’s look at it in two different ways.
One.
Imagine you’ve been working for the same boss for a couple of decades. It is a close working relationship. You get to know his partner and maybe even one or two other members of his family. You’ve had your disagreements, but the working relationship is a good one. You’ve done some great work together and put in place systems and processes that work well for you both as well as for the rest of the team.
Over the years, you’ve come to know your boss’ likes, dislikes, moods (good and bad), strengths, weaknesses, communication style, hopes, fears, values, tastes and so on.
You arrive at work one Monday morning. Your boss usually arrives before you do, but that particular morning he isn’t at his desk. His computer isn’t on. His coffee cup is still in the kitchen. And his jacket isn’t hanging on the coat stand. His boss appears. She tells you that there has been a terrible road traffic accident and that your boss didn’t make it.
Two.
Your best friend and you have known each other since childhood. You went to the same nursery, the same primary school and the same secondary school.
You have always lived near each other and once you even lived on the same street. You know each other’s families well and you know each other inside out. You do a lot together and have always been in each other’s lives. You’ve both been there for each other for all the best, and worst parts of life and everything in between.
Your friend is offered the job of a lifetime in a different country and after much soul searching, she decides to accept it. As the day of her departure draws closer and closer, you prepare yourself as best as you can, but you still hold out hope that something will change, and she won’t take the job after all.
The day of departure arrives, and you share tearful goodbyes at the airport. Then she has gone. You keep in touch – phone calls, WhatsApp messages and video calls. Over time, your lives move according to different rhythms, and it gradually dawns on you that your friend’s life is changing in ways that yours has not.
You’ll always be friends, but time moves on. Your friend gets a promotion, meets a new love interest, finds new friends, gets into new hobbies. Then she relocates to another country. Her life is changing. She’s spreading her wings, while your world feels smaller by comparison.
Four tips for empty nesters
These are two very different stories to illustrate the theme of children leaving the family home.
The common thread to both stories is one of loss – whether permanent or gradual and our experience may be closer to either one of these two stories or may lie somewhere in between.
Our experiences of being an empty nester are as unique as we - and our (relationship with our) children - are, but there are some steps we can take to gradually move away from a feeling of loss when our children are no longer the focus of our home lives. This, in turn, can lead us to discover the possibilities ahead.
1) Reclaim your physical space
Now might be a good time to check whether your home is a reflection of your needs and desires. Is the space working for you as it is? You may want to move all the furniture around, redecorate to your taste declutter or create dedicated spaces for your hobbies. It might need to be rearranged, redecorated or decluttered.
2) Recalibrate your emotional space
Ask yourself how available you want to be to others? After years of constantly being available to your children, give yourself permission to move on. What would you like to change? What are your needs? Remember, it isn’t selfish to prioritise your own needs.
3) Reconnect with others
Reconnect with your partner. This may mean relearning how to be together or rediscovering what brought you together. Reach out to family – and to old friends and make time for deeper conversations. Explore new social circles to help create a sense of community.
4) Rediscover who you are
Who are you now that your children no longer live at home? What do you like? What are your interests? What brings you peace, joy or fulfilment? What did you do before children - that you would like to try again?
Begin with curiosity and see where it leads you. It could include starting your day with something deliciously simple and enjoyable like a cup of coffee with a warm croissant, or 10 minutes of yoga (both are my personal favourites) for an energy boost.
Give yourself permission to make this a slow discovery, rather than rushing towards a dramatic change - and adapt as needed to make it work for you.
Having a coaching conversation can be a great help at this time.
Debbie
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